Journey to diagnosis and beyond...

Part one: Where it all started!

So if I was being totally honest with myself, I have suffered with low mood + low self worth since my early teens (Pre-anxiety), (I mean they are not the most easiest years of your life, body changes, discovering sex- sensibly!, new feelings/sensations etc).  

Even now I still disbelieve in myself. For example, if someone pays genuine interest or a complement to me I am somewhat immediately suspicious.. Not (always) of there intentions, but because I have managed to beat myself down into to thinking so lowly of myself that I can’t comprehend why they are giving compliments? the attention/flattery? or friendship?  

All because my inner gremlins will scream at me;

Picture credits:
http://curiouscourses.ch/appreciate-inner-gremlins/

“What could they possibly want to know you for?”

“Your to fat/ugly to be their friend, there only gonna ditch you”

“HAHA don’t flatter yourself, they are only being polite”

“Your too stupid to go for the promotion/grade”

“Yeah they are laughing at you”

“Why don’t you just live in a hole the rest of you life thats the best place for you”

And Guess what those gremlins still rear there ugly heads even now.  On a more positive note, it may have taken the best part of 28 years of my life... but I no longer think I am horrifically ugly.. at least not for now, but it wont be long until that bubble has burst again.

Anyway I have digressed, so yes years of low self esteem and low worth led to lack of confidence, not wanting to go any where on my own if I could avoid it at all costs, cancelling plans with friends especially if it involved meeting them somewhere new on my own (Still guilty of that).  

This then led to worry... about everything, anything,  for example: arguments I’d had in primary school with people I am not longer in contact with!!! Seriously!!! 

So why worry about it.. You ask?  Because unfortunately thats how those pesky anxiety gremlins work. 

Some more examples!:

Oh my mum couldn’t answer her phone- my gremlins would interpret that as “well she has obviously fallen down the stairs and lying dead at the bottom and you’re not around to help her”

A friend running late - “Must have been attacked/raped/murdered/kidnapped or decided your not worth it after all.”

The most recurrent one feeling really panicky breathing is all over the place-  “what if you die people might not miss you, or they might be devastated, and it will be your fault for dying.”

This list goes on and on and on... 
Part two coming soon! 
Thank you for reading.