News Flash!!

So how are you all doing?!

I am, well a little Meh, today after finishing night shifts, but I have lots of plans for posts tomorrow and maybe a new video on the tube of you!

What I would like to know if what would people like to see on an anxiety blog?

Remember to keep going and try not listen to those pesky gremlins!!

Oh yeah and little bit of Irony for you, I stumbled across on Google... (We all know whats this is like)

Journey to diagnosis and beyond... Part 3 Diagnosis.

In February 2014, It had become a little more easier to manage my symptoms. But I was on the move again, to a different job, different city and new people and places :-/.

 By the end of February, I had been in tears more often then not, lost my temper, thrown items around the room and yes you guessed it, those initial symptoms had come back with a vengeance.   Comforted slightly by the fact I was in a new town with different medical practice, I went again. I broke down in tears, explained my symptoms, explained how it is physically exhausting to get out of bed, due to the constant worry and put downs. Told her how I constantly feel locked into myself because I am carefully analysing and assessing every single word or movement, if I didn’t It would sure given the anxiety gremlins fuel to keep on rearing there ugly heads. For doing something I classed as stupid i.e.: stumbling slightly or saying the wrong thing. She diagnosed me then with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Referred me for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and prescribed Setraline (which I didn’t take as I personally didn’t want to go down the medication route, I was quite happy to wait for the therapy)- I did try the medication for a while but the made me worse, so after a few days I stopped them. 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy  was really good, however unfortunately I only had 12-15 sessions. 

 My therapist Kirsty, was lovely, we spoke about the physiological changes during panic, encouraged me to keep a worry diary and assess with it was a productive worry i.e something I could resolve/do something about, or a Non-productive worry, something that was totally irrational and out of my control.

 We learned breathing exercises, distraction methods as well as tips to change my thought process in was that would quickly analyse and get rid of that worry. I soon started feeling better, although some days it was a challenge to make myself go!

I developed a tool kit for emergencies, continued my worry journal and started eating a little healthier, which made me feel better and in turn made my symptoms lessen. 

So yeah, thank you for reading, I will no doubt be adding more to the series soon!

and some other blog posts for you all too!

Feel free to comment/share. I will reply at my earliest convenience. 

Muchos Love!

News Flash! Anxeity Gremlins Giving intermittent panic attacks since 2am Saturday Morning..

'I'm just a ghost, its starting to show'

So actually not really a big news flash for me but yes, since 2 am Saturday morning I have been blessed with little  intermittent internal panic attacks from my not so kind and friendly anxiety gremlins.
The reason for the panic attacks have yet to be identified, however a little green fuzzy gremlin remains in custody for questioning.

  So yeah.. its been exhausting, they seem to have settled now, but between reminding myself to breath, calm down, let go and battling physical symptoms as well as try to function at work as normal non-crazy well adjusted adult.  I guess you could say I am feeling pretty whacked!

However I put my headphones on and used my walk to the bus stop as therapy and listened to a new favourite song as well making sure my game face was well and truly on for the rest of the world to see.  After all it wouldn't do to possibly let people know your mental health is on the fritz?? After all
its that thing we don't talk about- This needs to change!

So quick up date. I am doing better now, must dash as have work to get ready for :-/ and Sunday dinner to consume.

Keep battling!!!

Heres my new favourite song...

Journey to diagnosis and beyond... (Part 2)

Part two: ‘Can I play with Madness?!’

Skipping forward from my teens to my mid twenties:

  In 2012- My mother got diagnosed with breast cancer, I was living away, couldn’t drive (Still can’t), I had just started my first major job post uni, I was in alone in a brand new city and of course it was nearly christmas!

 My world shattered, I sobbed and sobbed, watching THAT episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer- The Body (You know the one I mean) on repeat because I felt like what ever I was feeling wasn’t enough, then I talked myself into feeling guilty, about feeling so devastated, (after all it wasn’t me that had to go through the treatment). Talk about needing to give myself a break.. 

Then the nightmares started- but that is for a different post.

Luckily we found out it was caught early enough about 2 weeks following her diagnosis, that she could undergo treatment.  By august 2013, my mum had completed treatment and was on on the mend. As my father pointed out, she was also no longer looking like Mrs Golem, with the regrowth of her hair, (Mum did find this quite funny, we have a weird sense of humor in our family!). 

By September 2013, however, one night I was experiencing on regular occasions, feelings of breathlessness or not feeling like I was breathing enough air in. Tingling sensations in my lips, arms and occasionally legs, noise sensitivity- feeling over powered  and over whelmed by loud noises.  Irritability as I didn’t want people near me as I felt claustrophobic. My heart would do clusters of irregular heartbeats and would feel like it wanted to burst out of my chest like a scene from Alien- I thought I was dying, I thought I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.  It was one of the single most scariest experiences of my life. And I was on my own.

Of course I didn’t think to call anyone- what if they didn’t believe me? or worse what if over panicked them for no reason?

 After 6 weeks of these intermittent episodes however, I had manage to convince myself they weren’t life threatening episodes (or at least you’d hope not on going for 6 weeks).. which was relief, but had managed however to convince myself that I was going mad... Not entirely sure which was worse.  2 more weeks of a quite apparent (to myself, at least) decent into madness and my logical brain (yes I occasionally have one) had finally waded through 6 weeks of sheer panic and plans of straights jackets with padded cells. I stated to think logically about the symptoms, my mothers recent illness, recent big changes, years of low self esteem, current symptoms and I diagnosed myself with anxiety attacks.  

  Now it was mid October by this point so once I had made a more logical sounding conclusion in my head, I managed to convince myself to go to the doctors.  I did, explaining recent events and symptoms, and was promptly looked up and down by the Doctor and told:

“you don’t look like someone who would have anxiety problems” 

(What should I look like?)

...and asked to leave.  

Well in the 60 seconds it had taken for me to the leave the surgery, I had convinced myself that a straight jacket and the men in white coats would soon be on there way to me.   I went home and cried.  After a few weeks of recurring symptoms of panic and  wallowing all in between trying to work as well.  I gave myself a firm talking too and started putting little things in place to help me relax.  

 Having candlelit baths, mediation cd’s breathing exercises etc. And they did work for a while. 

Thanks for reading!

Journey to diagnosis and beyond...

Part one: Where it all started!

So if I was being totally honest with myself, I have suffered with low mood + low self worth since my early teens (Pre-anxiety), (I mean they are not the most easiest years of your life, body changes, discovering sex- sensibly!, new feelings/sensations etc).  

Even now I still disbelieve in myself. For example, if someone pays genuine interest or a complement to me I am somewhat immediately suspicious.. Not (always) of there intentions, but because I have managed to beat myself down into to thinking so lowly of myself that I can’t comprehend why they are giving compliments? the attention/flattery? or friendship?  

All because my inner gremlins will scream at me;

Picture credits:
http://curiouscourses.ch/appreciate-inner-gremlins/

“What could they possibly want to know you for?”

“Your to fat/ugly to be their friend, there only gonna ditch you”

“HAHA don’t flatter yourself, they are only being polite”

“Your too stupid to go for the promotion/grade”

“Yeah they are laughing at you”

“Why don’t you just live in a hole the rest of you life thats the best place for you”

And Guess what those gremlins still rear there ugly heads even now.  On a more positive note, it may have taken the best part of 28 years of my life... but I no longer think I am horrifically ugly.. at least not for now, but it wont be long until that bubble has burst again.

Anyway I have digressed, so yes years of low self esteem and low worth led to lack of confidence, not wanting to go any where on my own if I could avoid it at all costs, cancelling plans with friends especially if it involved meeting them somewhere new on my own (Still guilty of that).  

This then led to worry... about everything, anything,  for example: arguments I’d had in primary school with people I am not longer in contact with!!! Seriously!!! 

So why worry about it.. You ask?  Because unfortunately thats how those pesky anxiety gremlins work. 

Some more examples!:

Oh my mum couldn’t answer her phone- my gremlins would interpret that as “well she has obviously fallen down the stairs and lying dead at the bottom and you’re not around to help her”

A friend running late - “Must have been attacked/raped/murdered/kidnapped or decided your not worth it after all.”

The most recurrent one feeling really panicky breathing is all over the place-  “what if you die people might not miss you, or they might be devastated, and it will be your fault for dying.”

This list goes on and on and on... 
Part two coming soon! 
Thank you for reading.

Welcome to the inner workings of a chaotic mind!

Hello all!

Welcome to my blog + thank you for reading.

My name is Anna, aka BeautifullyChaot1c. 

This blog is primarily about my battle with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD); a mental illness which means that about 70% of my time is spent worrying, panicking or doing both, the remaining 30% is split between sleeping, living, distracting myself from anxiety, generally feeling meh.. oh and working. 

 However despite battling with whatever worry (new or old) the anxiety gremlins decide to bestow upon me at any given time on the 24 hour clock and usually more then once per day,  I have decided (after much debating, worry and getting anxious with myself about doing this), that if I were to share my experiences, coping mechanisms and general day to day living of me! That maybe I could help those that suffer like I do & connect with people like me!!

It's weird even as I type this right now, I can feel my chest feeling tighter, my breathing getting faster, a general feeling of sheer terror erupting from my stomach and my heart feeling like it is going to make a bid for freedom through my chest, but hey other then that I would consider myself pretty well adjusted... Maybe. 

So one of the reasons for doing this as well as reaching out to others, in the new year (2016), I made a promise with myself to keep battling and push myself out of my comfort zone, ultimately spend less time being a slave to those pesky lil’ gremlins and do something more worthwhile.  So with that in mind a few ideas that I plan to do with both my blog and and youtube channel. 

-My Diagnosis, how it happened etc

-General daily living vlogs/blog sessions i.e. likes/hobbies/distractions etc.

-My Coping mechanisms: what works for me

-Insight into my ‘Happy’ box- aka Anna’s Emergency Breakdown Kit. 

-Helpful guides for friends/families and significant others of those suffering with anxiety.

-Reviews of useful products, links and apps

-And generally letting you lovely people gain an insight into the chaotic mind of me!

So without further ado I am going to love you all and leave you, so I can get this first post up and running. 

Thanks for reading!

****Disclaimer, I am not a professional in this area, this is a personal blog sharing personal coping skills and trying to make things easier for others. Please Please visit your GP/Doctor if you feel you may have experienced similar symptoms- in order to get support personal to you.****